NEW CONTAGIOUS DISEASES IN MALAYSIA

The Malaysian Ministry of Health is now asking the public to be on the lookout for symptoms of the following new contagious diseases.

ASSMA
Severe rashes around the mouth caused by kissing too much ass. The number-one disease in Malaysia amongst civil service.

DIAL-ARRHOEA
Uncontrollable urge to continually dial friends on mobile phone to share with them such important information as 'I'm now on the monorail'or 'I'm walking towards the car.' Victims can be recognized by large, twitching thumb.

MEESLES
Blotchy skin condition caused by eating too many packets of instant noodles.

MULTIPLE SPOUSOSIS
Affliction whereby victims make frequent trips to Vietnam,Thailand,Indonesia, and China to take on additional brides. Middle-aged men are at significant risk.

YELLOW FEVER
Compulsion to date Chinese women. Very common affliction amongst Indian men and caucasian expatriates working in Malaysia. Also known as Pinkerton's Disease.

EKOR-TOTONUS
Flushed complexion, high blood pressure and sometimes depression at finding out one has not won any gaming numbers and lotteries.

HEAVYTITIS
Excessively large breasts. This disease comes in several variant strains…….. Heavytitis C; Heavytitis D; Heavytitis DD, and sometimes Heavytitis F...or even G.

CYBERTENSION
Feelings of stress and panic caused by lack of internet access.

DYEBETES
A compulsive need to colour one's hair. Reddish brown tints are the most common symptom, but health authorities have reported a new strain of blond highlights.

CHICKEN TOX
Victims exhibit a great need to tokkok. Highly contagious. Spread by ordinary conversation, and may be exacerbated by good food and alcohol. Politicians and lawyers are especially susceptible. Incurable.

ITCHINIA
The urge in some men after reaching 40 to go for young chicks. This disease spreads fast among those with money and position and cuts across both government and business people. Beware of those who take trips out under the pretext of duty or business. This is a dangerous symptom that the disease may already have taken hold.